Diary of a Madman

Look at me, two blog postings in three days! I’m on fire. Well, I said that I wanted to write more, and I’m trying to hold myself to that. I have a lot to say, and it’s starting to take shape in a number of different blog entries that I would like to write in the near future (time permitting). Some of it is going to be more personal, while other entries are going to be more opinion based, while others will be musings on quite random topics. But it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want. In this small space, I can paste whatever ideas I have, and people can read them or not, and comment or not. They may change people’s ideals or minds and inspire debate and discussion ... or they may fall on deaf ears and not get read by anyone (the more likely of the two). Regardless, it is amazing that this type of thing exists, and that anyone can do it. I feel quite privileged to have the ability to freely express myself to anyone who cares to listen ... marvellous!

This posting is going to be more of a personal reflection than anything else. I feel a little wrong writing personal reflections, because I want to avoid the whole journal/dumping my problems before the world thing that happens all the time. However, I do feel that these help me put things into perspective and learn. And who knows ... maybe someone will write a comment and things will take off from there.
Two days ago, I wrote about a previous relationship that I was in, and how I was of the feeling that I shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. This was all well and good at the time, and I went to sleep feeling quite content that I had thought things through and had come to a conclusion. However, the next day, the comfort I had gained had somewhat disappeared, and I was a left with a new slew of questions, the foremost one being, why shouldn’t I be in a relationship right now? The answer, needless to say, was quite elusive. The day before, I had talked about the freedom of being single, and how I liked that freedom. But, in retrospect, I think that was a copout answer to cover up something deeper than that. And I think I know why I seem hesitant toward being in a relationship. I am afraid of causing (and to a lesser extent receiving) pain.

I don’t want to go into too much detail here (because it would take a while ... if you want to know the back story, just ask) but, at some point in my early undergrad, I became convinced that I was a cause for pain in the lives of people that I knew, and that their lives would be better without me. Now I know, it sounds ridiculous, but it’s how I felt. My self-esteem was low, and I felt like a burden on people. Over time, I was able to overcome these views and gain a bit more self-confidence. The problem is that I never entirely conquered it, and it continues to pop up at random points, most strongly in regard to relationships with girls.

During my last relationship, I really liked the girl a lot. But something wasn’t right. There was this concern in my mind the whole time. I tried to attribute it to outside factors but I couldn’t get over it. I’ve realized that my constant concern stemmed from the fact that I didn’t feel like I deserved to be in a relationship with this girl. If you can’t understand, then I can try and describe it: imagine having this feeling everyday that you just don’t deserve something or that you are not good enough for something. Imagine having the feeling that being in this relationship is going to cause your partner pain and harm, and that they would ultimately be better off without you. Now, assume that you like and care about this person to a stupidly high degree, and tell me how you would feel? Imagine trying to enjoy a relationship when you constantly feel like you’re going to negatively impact the person. It’s pretty shitty. There was even one point where I noticed a potential attraction between this girl and another guy. I immediately began to have thoughts that I should break up with her, not because I didn’t like her, but because I thought that she would be better off without me and better with him. I didn’t actually know if they liked each other or not, and I certainly couldn’t comment as to whether they would be better together or not. But deep in my neurotic mind, I couldn’t imagine that I would be able to provide anything good for this person. Pretty fucked up, right?

So here I am: single, a bit sad, and quite confused. I now recognize that I have an issue with self-esteem when in relationships. That is a good first step. The problem now is how to deal with it? I recognize that the beliefs are irrational, but the doubt and pain they bring are quite real. So how do you deal with it? What can a person do? I could just stay single but I really don’t want to do that. I’m at a loss for what to do at the moment. Furthermore, I feel a bit sad that my craziness contributed somewhat to the end of my last relationship. I think that I could have something good there, if I could just get over these crazy feelings.

I’m sorry for making this post quite personal and somewhat emotional. I do it because 1)it makes me feel a little better and 2)because it brings it out into the open, and allows for ideas and help from others. I am a believer that problems and personal ‘demons’ should not be kept quiet or in the dark but, need to be brought out into the open so you can stab their cold black hearts and cut off their heads (deal with your problems). So yeah, there we go. I don’t know what to do but, hopefully I can figure out something.

(Diary of a Madman is a song by Ozzy Osbourne, on the album Diary of a Madman. I’ve been listening to Ozzy a lot more in recent weeks. I go through phases of it. He’s really good.)