Look at me, two blog postings in three days! I’m on fire. Well, I said that I wanted to write more, and I’m trying to hold myself to that. I have a lot to say, and it’s starting to take shape in a number of different blog entries that I would like to write in the near future (time permitting). Some of it is going to be more personal, while other entries are going to be more opinion based, while others will be musings on quite random topics. But it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want. In this small space, I can paste whatever ideas I have, and people can read them or not, and comment or not. They may change people’s ideals or minds and inspire debate and discussion ... or they may fall on deaf ears and not get read by anyone (the more likely of the two). Regardless, it is amazing that this type of thing exists, and that anyone can do it. I feel quite privileged to have the ability to freely express myself to anyone who cares to listen ... marvellous!
This posting is going to be more of a personal reflection than anything else. I feel a little wrong writing personal reflections, because I want to avoid the whole journal/dumping my problems before the world thing that happens all the time. However, I do feel that these help me put things into perspective and learn. And who knows ... maybe someone will write a comment and things will take off from there.
Two days ago, I wrote about a previous relationship that I was in, and how I was of the feeling that I shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. This was all well and good at the time, and I went to sleep feeling quite content that I had thought things through and had come to a conclusion. However, the next day, the comfort I had gained had somewhat disappeared, and I was a left with a new slew of questions, the foremost one being, why shouldn’t I be in a relationship right now? The answer, needless to say, was quite elusive. The day before, I had talked about the freedom of being single, and how I liked that freedom. But, in retrospect, I think that was a copout answer to cover up something deeper than that. And I think I know why I seem hesitant toward being in a relationship. I am afraid of causing (and to a lesser extent receiving) pain.
I don’t want to go into too much detail here (because it would take a while ... if you want to know the back story, just ask) but, at some point in my early undergrad, I became convinced that I was a cause for pain in the lives of people that I knew, and that their lives would be better without me. Now I know, it sounds ridiculous, but it’s how I felt. My self-esteem was low, and I felt like a burden on people. Over time, I was able to overcome these views and gain a bit more self-confidence. The problem is that I never entirely conquered it, and it continues to pop up at random points, most strongly in regard to relationships with girls.
During my last relationship, I really liked the girl a lot. But something wasn’t right. There was this concern in my mind the whole time. I tried to attribute it to outside factors but I couldn’t get over it. I’ve realized that my constant concern stemmed from the fact that I didn’t feel like I deserved to be in a relationship with this girl. If you can’t understand, then I can try and describe it: imagine having this feeling everyday that you just don’t deserve something or that you are not good enough for something. Imagine having the feeling that being in this relationship is going to cause your partner pain and harm, and that they would ultimately be better off without you. Now, assume that you like and care about this person to a stupidly high degree, and tell me how you would feel? Imagine trying to enjoy a relationship when you constantly feel like you’re going to negatively impact the person. It’s pretty shitty. There was even one point where I noticed a potential attraction between this girl and another guy. I immediately began to have thoughts that I should break up with her, not because I didn’t like her, but because I thought that she would be better off without me and better with him. I didn’t actually know if they liked each other or not, and I certainly couldn’t comment as to whether they would be better together or not. But deep in my neurotic mind, I couldn’t imagine that I would be able to provide anything good for this person. Pretty fucked up, right?
So here I am: single, a bit sad, and quite confused. I now recognize that I have an issue with self-esteem when in relationships. That is a good first step. The problem now is how to deal with it? I recognize that the beliefs are irrational, but the doubt and pain they bring are quite real. So how do you deal with it? What can a person do? I could just stay single but I really don’t want to do that. I’m at a loss for what to do at the moment. Furthermore, I feel a bit sad that my craziness contributed somewhat to the end of my last relationship. I think that I could have something good there, if I could just get over these crazy feelings.
I’m sorry for making this post quite personal and somewhat emotional. I do it because 1)it makes me feel a little better and 2)because it brings it out into the open, and allows for ideas and help from others. I am a believer that problems and personal ‘demons’ should not be kept quiet or in the dark but, need to be brought out into the open so you can stab their cold black hearts and cut off their heads (deal with your problems). So yeah, there we go. I don’t know what to do but, hopefully I can figure out something.
(Diary of a Madman is a song by Ozzy Osbourne, on the album Diary of a Madman. I’ve been listening to Ozzy a lot more in recent weeks. I go through phases of it. He’s really good.)
Friday, November 27, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Don't Stop Believin
Well, it’s been quite a while since I last posted. Sorry about that. I’ve been busy with different things, and to be honest, I just couldn’t think of anything to write about. Fragments of thoughts and ideas came to mind but nothing complete enough to warrant writing an entry. I’m not sure if the following entry or entries will be entirely complete or if they will be fragmented ideas that need further nurturing and expansion. As usual, I can only hope that the few readers I have can bear with it, and offer constructive criticism or comments, and that perhaps, this will make you think, if only a little bit.
I started this blog to talk about things I had said yes to, as well as means to organize my thoughts and deal with problems I was facing. Around the start of November, I entered into a relationship with a most delightful girl. It was something that had been sort of building for a few months before hand, and it was a decision that I was somewhat hesitant about because of some other issues. Despite these issues, I chose to seize the day and say yes. This relationship ended a couple days ago, and I have been thinking about it quite a bit over the last few days. I have some thoughts on it, and I feel it necessary to share them here.
Firstly, I want to talk about the girl. She is friggin awesome. You could look for a thousand years in a thousand different places and not find many better than her. She’s smart, good looking and a hoot to hang out with. The best part about her though is her mind and her inquisitive nature. I absolutely love talking to this girl. Every time I do, I come away changed in some small way. Whether it’s through challenging my ideas or explaining something entirely foreign to me, she makes me think and she makes me grow. Plus she’s always so cheery, and she always has something nice to say. She’s a beam of sunshine, if ever a person could be called one.
Now that I’ve established that the girl is awesome, I guess the question is: what went wrong or why did I have doubts? Well, that can be summed up by the following: it moved too quickly. Ever eager to enter into a relationship, I said yes, when I should have thought about it more. If I’d taken a bit more time and really thought about it, I would have realized that a relationship was not right for this point in time, and that it seemed a bit too forced. I was perfectly happy with being good friends and spending the odd time together talking. Hell, I would have been happier with spending a bit more time together, and really getting to know her well. I didn’t need a relationship at that point, which is kind of where all my doubt came from. It’s not that I didn’t need a relationship specifically from her but that I doubt whether I need one at all at the moment. In earlier posts, I’ve talked about my desire for a relationship, and how girls are awesome, and all the rest. But, in the last few months, I’ve really come to appreciate being single to a degree. There is a freedom to it that is quite enjoyable. And so, my main doubt, the one thing that clogged up my mind, was whether I should even be in a relationship. And I don’t think I should have been.
Now, I want to make it perfectly clear that this does not mean that I should not have eventually been in a relationship with this girl, nor do I want to imply that a relationship in the future with this girl is out of the question or wrong ...that is a question for another time, and one that I cannot answer at the moment (as I can’t predict the future despite my best attempts). If a time comes when we are more aligned with each other, and there seems to be a need or desire for a relationship, then I would not be opposed, and would welcome it with open arms (as I’ve said, she’s friggin awesome). But for the time being, and for the immediate future anyway, it isn’t right. She’s got her road and I have mine. But I will work super hard to ensure that we can be good friends, and then great friends, and then even, dare I say, BFFs (oh, I dared to say it!).
What have I learned from all of this? Relationships aren’t a requirement (at least for me). There are some people who spend all their time in relationships, and when one ends, the next begins. That ain’t me. I’ve spent too much of my life single, to the point where I don’t need one to feel good. That’s not to say that I won’t continue to try them and look around. But I guess I’ll be a bit more critical about them in the future. That leaves me wondering whether I should be ? Should you really weigh the pros and cons before hand, or should you jump right in and sort it out as you go? I have no idea.
In closing, I would like to say that girls are pretty and confusing. And that there is one girl out there who is friggin awesome, who I am looking forward to getting to know a lot better, without the stresses and doubts of a relationship to get in the way.
P.S. Hopefully I’ll start writing more now. I feel a need to get things out of my head. It’s too cluttered.
P.P.S. Title is Don’t Stop Believin by Journey from their 1981 album Escape. Super good song.
I started this blog to talk about things I had said yes to, as well as means to organize my thoughts and deal with problems I was facing. Around the start of November, I entered into a relationship with a most delightful girl. It was something that had been sort of building for a few months before hand, and it was a decision that I was somewhat hesitant about because of some other issues. Despite these issues, I chose to seize the day and say yes. This relationship ended a couple days ago, and I have been thinking about it quite a bit over the last few days. I have some thoughts on it, and I feel it necessary to share them here.
Firstly, I want to talk about the girl. She is friggin awesome. You could look for a thousand years in a thousand different places and not find many better than her. She’s smart, good looking and a hoot to hang out with. The best part about her though is her mind and her inquisitive nature. I absolutely love talking to this girl. Every time I do, I come away changed in some small way. Whether it’s through challenging my ideas or explaining something entirely foreign to me, she makes me think and she makes me grow. Plus she’s always so cheery, and she always has something nice to say. She’s a beam of sunshine, if ever a person could be called one.
Now that I’ve established that the girl is awesome, I guess the question is: what went wrong or why did I have doubts? Well, that can be summed up by the following: it moved too quickly. Ever eager to enter into a relationship, I said yes, when I should have thought about it more. If I’d taken a bit more time and really thought about it, I would have realized that a relationship was not right for this point in time, and that it seemed a bit too forced. I was perfectly happy with being good friends and spending the odd time together talking. Hell, I would have been happier with spending a bit more time together, and really getting to know her well. I didn’t need a relationship at that point, which is kind of where all my doubt came from. It’s not that I didn’t need a relationship specifically from her but that I doubt whether I need one at all at the moment. In earlier posts, I’ve talked about my desire for a relationship, and how girls are awesome, and all the rest. But, in the last few months, I’ve really come to appreciate being single to a degree. There is a freedom to it that is quite enjoyable. And so, my main doubt, the one thing that clogged up my mind, was whether I should even be in a relationship. And I don’t think I should have been.
Now, I want to make it perfectly clear that this does not mean that I should not have eventually been in a relationship with this girl, nor do I want to imply that a relationship in the future with this girl is out of the question or wrong ...that is a question for another time, and one that I cannot answer at the moment (as I can’t predict the future despite my best attempts). If a time comes when we are more aligned with each other, and there seems to be a need or desire for a relationship, then I would not be opposed, and would welcome it with open arms (as I’ve said, she’s friggin awesome). But for the time being, and for the immediate future anyway, it isn’t right. She’s got her road and I have mine. But I will work super hard to ensure that we can be good friends, and then great friends, and then even, dare I say, BFFs (oh, I dared to say it!).
What have I learned from all of this? Relationships aren’t a requirement (at least for me). There are some people who spend all their time in relationships, and when one ends, the next begins. That ain’t me. I’ve spent too much of my life single, to the point where I don’t need one to feel good. That’s not to say that I won’t continue to try them and look around. But I guess I’ll be a bit more critical about them in the future. That leaves me wondering whether I should be ? Should you really weigh the pros and cons before hand, or should you jump right in and sort it out as you go? I have no idea.
In closing, I would like to say that girls are pretty and confusing. And that there is one girl out there who is friggin awesome, who I am looking forward to getting to know a lot better, without the stresses and doubts of a relationship to get in the way.
P.S. Hopefully I’ll start writing more now. I feel a need to get things out of my head. It’s too cluttered.
P.P.S. Title is Don’t Stop Believin by Journey from their 1981 album Escape. Super good song.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Iron Man
Howdy everyone,
Just a quick announcement for the day. On July 31, I signed up for the Muskoka Subaru Half Iron Man in Huntsville. It's going to be 1.9km swim, 94km bike, 21.1 km run. I'm super excited about it and also quite terrified as it will be the longest distance that I have ever tried to go in one day without a car. Also, I am limited to only 8 and half hours to do it in, so I may fail at it. I'm kind of excited by that prospect though because, usually when I do something, I'm fairly confident of succeeding. I think I'll be alright and am somewhat confident in succeeding but, there's still that chance of failure. Hopefully all goes well, and I will certainly be training like a madman for the next month and a half (it's Sept.13). Just thought I should let people know as, it is something that I've said yes to doing. Also, next Sunday, I'm going bungee jumping at the Great Canadian Bungee Jumping place. 200 feet above a man made lake (and apparently, you dunk at the end of the jump). Should be good times!
(Iron Man by Black Sabbath, from the album Paranoid. I will be listening to this quite a bit over the next month and a half.)
Just a quick announcement for the day. On July 31, I signed up for the Muskoka Subaru Half Iron Man in Huntsville. It's going to be 1.9km swim, 94km bike, 21.1 km run. I'm super excited about it and also quite terrified as it will be the longest distance that I have ever tried to go in one day without a car. Also, I am limited to only 8 and half hours to do it in, so I may fail at it. I'm kind of excited by that prospect though because, usually when I do something, I'm fairly confident of succeeding. I think I'll be alright and am somewhat confident in succeeding but, there's still that chance of failure. Hopefully all goes well, and I will certainly be training like a madman for the next month and a half (it's Sept.13). Just thought I should let people know as, it is something that I've said yes to doing. Also, next Sunday, I'm going bungee jumping at the Great Canadian Bungee Jumping place. 200 feet above a man made lake (and apparently, you dunk at the end of the jump). Should be good times!
(Iron Man by Black Sabbath, from the album Paranoid. I will be listening to this quite a bit over the next month and a half.)
Monday, July 6, 2009
Lady
I grew up watching cartoons and hearing fairy tales and all that jazz, and the one thing that really stood with me was how to treat a lady. In most of the fairy tales, there’s a prince, or some other male hero, who is the height of gentlemanliness, and he swoops in and saves the princess or the damsel in distress. That got me thinking, when I was younger, that guys were supposed to be these heroic and noble people who saved the damsel in distress. So that became my idea of what I had to be and what girls wanted.
So, as I grew up, and watched more TV and film, I was confronted by more films where the male is all noble and chivalrous and he takes care of or helps the girl who loves him and only wants him because he is so sweet. And then they ride off into the sunset and everything is hunky dory. As the message was still validated and nothing had changed, I once again assumed that this was the correct way to be and that girls wanted the nice and noble guy, who wasn’t pushy or advancive.
Here’s what I’ve learned: Hollywood is bullshit! Girls are not helpless, and I’m most likely not going to swing in all noble and chivalrous, and carry one off to live happily ever after. First off, I wouldn’t want a girl that was helpless. That would piss me off beyond belief. The type of girl I want would be able to take care of herself and wouldn’t be completely dependent on any man. She wouldn’t need me but would want me (and there is a huge difference there).
Secondly (and I’ve covered this in the past), I’ve been a giant retard when it comes to relationships because I invariably try to treat the girl like a damsel in distress. I couldn’t help it because I was acting based on bad and imaginary advice. The truth is that I’ve always entered into a relationship and almost immediately tried to become a servant and that shit ain’t cool. I’ve learned that you have to come in feeling like an equal and that the relationship should be about establishing the deepest of friendships built upon recognizing the other as an equal.
Thirdly, chivalry and not being an aggressive douche bag is still really cool (and I don’t care what anyone says). If a girl is cold, I’m giving her my sweater with absolutely no expectations. If she asks if I want to come in for coffee, I`m going to assume that I am going in to drink coffee. Mayhaps people think that is a stupid philosophy but I do think there is a benefit to being a nice guy, despite the often clichéd line that ``nice guys finish last``. The benefit comes from being able to sleep at night knowing that I have never tried to pressure a girl into anything she didn`t want, and knowing that I always tried to be respectful to women (even though I`m shameless in judging women through the car window). If a feminina would like to be with me, she need only make her desire known and then (depending on the feminina) she will find me more than willing to be with her. In fact, I will be super passionate and completely respectful of whatever pace she wants the relationship to go (I may be more inclined to go a little slower, as I`m just a little bit ole fashioned).
There. I just had to say some of this because it has been bothering me for a bit. Might elaborate on it more in the future. And with that ... I bid you all a good night.
(Lady by Styx from Styx II ... I love Styx ... they are sooooooooo goooooooooood!)
So, as I grew up, and watched more TV and film, I was confronted by more films where the male is all noble and chivalrous and he takes care of or helps the girl who loves him and only wants him because he is so sweet. And then they ride off into the sunset and everything is hunky dory. As the message was still validated and nothing had changed, I once again assumed that this was the correct way to be and that girls wanted the nice and noble guy, who wasn’t pushy or advancive.
Here’s what I’ve learned: Hollywood is bullshit! Girls are not helpless, and I’m most likely not going to swing in all noble and chivalrous, and carry one off to live happily ever after. First off, I wouldn’t want a girl that was helpless. That would piss me off beyond belief. The type of girl I want would be able to take care of herself and wouldn’t be completely dependent on any man. She wouldn’t need me but would want me (and there is a huge difference there).
Secondly (and I’ve covered this in the past), I’ve been a giant retard when it comes to relationships because I invariably try to treat the girl like a damsel in distress. I couldn’t help it because I was acting based on bad and imaginary advice. The truth is that I’ve always entered into a relationship and almost immediately tried to become a servant and that shit ain’t cool. I’ve learned that you have to come in feeling like an equal and that the relationship should be about establishing the deepest of friendships built upon recognizing the other as an equal.
Thirdly, chivalry and not being an aggressive douche bag is still really cool (and I don’t care what anyone says). If a girl is cold, I’m giving her my sweater with absolutely no expectations. If she asks if I want to come in for coffee, I`m going to assume that I am going in to drink coffee. Mayhaps people think that is a stupid philosophy but I do think there is a benefit to being a nice guy, despite the often clichéd line that ``nice guys finish last``. The benefit comes from being able to sleep at night knowing that I have never tried to pressure a girl into anything she didn`t want, and knowing that I always tried to be respectful to women (even though I`m shameless in judging women through the car window). If a feminina would like to be with me, she need only make her desire known and then (depending on the feminina) she will find me more than willing to be with her. In fact, I will be super passionate and completely respectful of whatever pace she wants the relationship to go (I may be more inclined to go a little slower, as I`m just a little bit ole fashioned).
There. I just had to say some of this because it has been bothering me for a bit. Might elaborate on it more in the future. And with that ... I bid you all a good night.
(Lady by Styx from Styx II ... I love Styx ... they are sooooooooo goooooooooood!)
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Carry on my Wayward Son
I know I’ve only written twice in the last two months and I’m sorry for that. I have a lot of things that I want to talk about and I’m sure I’ll get to it all in time. I guess the problem is that this blog is a generalized outlet for anything that I want to discuss, and as I am always thinking about something, I could probably write everyday and always cover something in a new way. I’ve also got adult onset ADD (if it doesn’t exist yet, then I am creating it now) which means that I am always jumping from one idea to another. I am at that stage of life where I am finally beginning to establish a base set of absolute beliefs that I’m hoping won’t change. Using absolute may be wrong in this case, as I am always open to changing my view on anything should new evidence or ideas emerge. That being said, I need to start developing a set of beliefs that don’t change every time I talk to someone and that can stand up to discussion and disagreement. For most of my life, I’ve been prone to agreeing with whatever people said and not questioning them or their beliefs despite my own personal feelings about it. I believed that to do so would cause an argument and turn us into enemies. I’ve now come to realize that peaceful disagreement exists and that I am perfectly capable of it. So yeah, to make a long story short, I have lots of ideas and I’m slow to put the fingers to the keys.
Two things are kind of influencing my rant for today. The first thing is that I just got back from a trip to Vancouver, where I went to a cousin’s wedding and was able to meet up with my old roommates and friends. The second is that two of my roommates are moving out at the end of August to find their own place (they’re a couple ... a couple of jokers ... hahahah ... I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t funny but I couldn’t resist). These two events, while seemingly unrelated, both lead to this one idea that I’ve been thinking about: the idea of changing friendships and the aspect of being alone in life (at least at this point).
The first point really came into focus when I went back to visit my friends out west. It was interesting because, at least with my roommates, we had been a big part of each others’ social circle while I was there. I used to spend several hours each day hanging out and talking with my roommates. When I went back out there to visit, I had a great time with them and it was awesome to catch up. I also realized that things had changed and that we’d all moved off into some different directions. It wasn’t major or anything but things had certainly changed and I became really aware of it for the first time. We all had new interests and goals, new plans for the future, some new people in our lives. It made me think about friendship and friends, and how it is an ever changing relationship. Think back five years and think of the people who you hung out with and were closest with. Where are they now? Odds are a good proportion of them are not as a major a factor in your life as they once were. While they are still “friends” and you are still probably on good terms with them, the relationship has definitely changed and you are probably not as close as you used to be. That being said, you probably have new people in your life, who are great and are exactly what you need. I guess that is just a part of life (especially at this stage in our young lives). It’s something that has never sat entirely well with me. I truly dislike when relationships change and become less important. I hate the awkwardness of talking to people who you were once really close with and who you now have nothing in common with. It’s frustrating and a little saddening. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve kept some close friends over the years (and probably will continue to).
The second point I realized was that, at this point at least, I’m kind of alone. I have no real constant person in my life that I can count on to remain there for very long. I got thinking this after getting back from Vancouver when I found that my roommates were going to be moving out. It definitely sucks because they are super cool people (first class all the way). At the same time, I completely understand it and fully support it. I also know that I will be seeing them often and things won’t change too much (maybe a little more space in the fridge and an upgrade in bedroom). But it got me thinking about being alone. My roommates are a couple that have been dating for quite some time and as such they’re probably going to be together forever (hopefully ... they’re so good together). Their lives are intertwined at this point and they can expect to be in each others’ lives for a long time. They can make future decisions together and anticipate that they will always have the other with them. I can’t do that. I don’t have anyone that I can always count on to be by my side. I mean, I can always count on people talking to me through email and facebook (and I am absolutely grateful for that to all of you) but I am fairly certain that in a year and a half (hopefully sooner) I’ll be hitting the road and moving someplace else and it will most likely just be me going. I know that there is a freedom to this that I should love and sometimes I do. I love the fact that if I so chose, I could go anywhere I wanted (assuming I have the money) and not have to worry about accommodating someone else. I am free to follow whatever dreams I can come up with and do pretty much as I please (within the boundaries of the law). That being said, being alone also sucks. Knowing that I can’t count on anyone to be by my side and that I’ll have to eventually say goodbye and go a separate way does suck and it is sad. Not ball my eyes out and cry to the heavens sad but still shittily sad. But I guess that is life. If you want to explore and travel and live in new places, you have to be prepared to do it alone (at least for a while).
I’m not sure what I was hoping to get out of this or achieve. I guess in the end, I love my friends. Those people who have shaped who I am. And while I wish that we could all travel together, I just have to make peace with everyone having their own life and have fun in my own little journey, and hope that our paths will cross again and that the interweb can keep the connections alive.
(Carry on my wayward son by Kansas from Leftoverture ... it just seemed fitting. Ramble On by Led Zeppelin would have also worked but I don’t want to overuse Led Zeppelin songs for titles).
Two things are kind of influencing my rant for today. The first thing is that I just got back from a trip to Vancouver, where I went to a cousin’s wedding and was able to meet up with my old roommates and friends. The second is that two of my roommates are moving out at the end of August to find their own place (they’re a couple ... a couple of jokers ... hahahah ... I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t funny but I couldn’t resist). These two events, while seemingly unrelated, both lead to this one idea that I’ve been thinking about: the idea of changing friendships and the aspect of being alone in life (at least at this point).
The first point really came into focus when I went back to visit my friends out west. It was interesting because, at least with my roommates, we had been a big part of each others’ social circle while I was there. I used to spend several hours each day hanging out and talking with my roommates. When I went back out there to visit, I had a great time with them and it was awesome to catch up. I also realized that things had changed and that we’d all moved off into some different directions. It wasn’t major or anything but things had certainly changed and I became really aware of it for the first time. We all had new interests and goals, new plans for the future, some new people in our lives. It made me think about friendship and friends, and how it is an ever changing relationship. Think back five years and think of the people who you hung out with and were closest with. Where are they now? Odds are a good proportion of them are not as a major a factor in your life as they once were. While they are still “friends” and you are still probably on good terms with them, the relationship has definitely changed and you are probably not as close as you used to be. That being said, you probably have new people in your life, who are great and are exactly what you need. I guess that is just a part of life (especially at this stage in our young lives). It’s something that has never sat entirely well with me. I truly dislike when relationships change and become less important. I hate the awkwardness of talking to people who you were once really close with and who you now have nothing in common with. It’s frustrating and a little saddening. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve kept some close friends over the years (and probably will continue to).
The second point I realized was that, at this point at least, I’m kind of alone. I have no real constant person in my life that I can count on to remain there for very long. I got thinking this after getting back from Vancouver when I found that my roommates were going to be moving out. It definitely sucks because they are super cool people (first class all the way). At the same time, I completely understand it and fully support it. I also know that I will be seeing them often and things won’t change too much (maybe a little more space in the fridge and an upgrade in bedroom). But it got me thinking about being alone. My roommates are a couple that have been dating for quite some time and as such they’re probably going to be together forever (hopefully ... they’re so good together). Their lives are intertwined at this point and they can expect to be in each others’ lives for a long time. They can make future decisions together and anticipate that they will always have the other with them. I can’t do that. I don’t have anyone that I can always count on to be by my side. I mean, I can always count on people talking to me through email and facebook (and I am absolutely grateful for that to all of you) but I am fairly certain that in a year and a half (hopefully sooner) I’ll be hitting the road and moving someplace else and it will most likely just be me going. I know that there is a freedom to this that I should love and sometimes I do. I love the fact that if I so chose, I could go anywhere I wanted (assuming I have the money) and not have to worry about accommodating someone else. I am free to follow whatever dreams I can come up with and do pretty much as I please (within the boundaries of the law). That being said, being alone also sucks. Knowing that I can’t count on anyone to be by my side and that I’ll have to eventually say goodbye and go a separate way does suck and it is sad. Not ball my eyes out and cry to the heavens sad but still shittily sad. But I guess that is life. If you want to explore and travel and live in new places, you have to be prepared to do it alone (at least for a while).
I’m not sure what I was hoping to get out of this or achieve. I guess in the end, I love my friends. Those people who have shaped who I am. And while I wish that we could all travel together, I just have to make peace with everyone having their own life and have fun in my own little journey, and hope that our paths will cross again and that the interweb can keep the connections alive.
(Carry on my wayward son by Kansas from Leftoverture ... it just seemed fitting. Ramble On by Led Zeppelin would have also worked but I don’t want to overuse Led Zeppelin songs for titles).
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Achilles Last Stand
It’s taken me 23 years but I have finally done it ... I have read Atlas Shrugged! I was told ahead of time by some that it was a decent book but long winded at some points, and by others, that it was tediously boring. I found it to be one of the better books that I have ever read, and despite being 1070 pages of some of the smallest print I’ve ever seen, I had trouble putting it down. I will admit that John Galt’s 60 page speech was a little much, as it was heavily philosophical and took me a little bit to get through. Nonetheless, I absolutely loved it all.
While reading this book, I think I came the closest I’ve ever come to crying while reading a book. When she described working, and the joys associated with creating and building and putting in a hard day’s work and being a producer, it made me feel a sense of admiration for the great men of the past who designed and labored to build the world around us (which is really amazing when you think about it). When she described the fall of New York, the decay of the world, and the senseless and lazy attitudes of many of the looters, I felt anger, frustration and disgust. I’ve always valued work but I’ve never really been able to put it in the terms that she did. I’ve idolized many of the most prominent men in history, men of science and industry, art and literature, men who used their skills to create new ideas, theories, structures, machines, etc. In them, I see the potential of man, when given the natural talent and an unending desire to work and to create. That idea of accomplishing something, and not just stopping, but continuing further, is at the heart of every explorer and inventor who has ever lived. These are the men who’s stories I’ve heard over my life and who exploits have driven my goals and dreams. But I’ve also known the other men of her story first hand. I shall jump into a story if I may (of course I may, this is my blog). During the summer of 2005 and 2006, I worked in a unionized truck factory in my home town. My father worked there as well, and I was eager to impress him and to show that I could do a good job. While I worked there, I thought of different ways that could potentially increase efficiency while limiting waste and making the factory a more enjoyable and profitable venture. I don’t know if they would have worked but I thought about it nonetheless. However, as my time there increased, I found it increasingly difficult to work, as well as an increasingly more depressing place to be. Since it was a unionized factory, and I worked on the assembly line with other workers, I was present for large amounts of union rhetoric, which in a general and simplified form equates to “do the minimum amount of work not to get fired, take every advantage to sit down, and bitch to the union rep about everything”. I liked doing my work. I enjoyed the feeling of going in and earning my money through manual labor. I liked learning how to do things, how to use tools, what tools were called, etc. I also didn’t like my breaks. I found they made the day go slower, and as I was on the assembly line, I wanted to get a bit ahead so that I wouldn’t be too rushed while the line was moving, so that I could do a better job. Instead, if I was ever caught working during my break by a unionized employee, I was told to stop working and sit down. They were telling me not to work. They also tried to tell me how the company owed them. Now I propose the question: what does any company owe its workers? It owes them something of value (money) for the work they put in. That’s it. It doesn’t owe any worker a job. It doesn’t owe any worker more money then it feels like paying. It shouldn’t owe the worker overtime hours, increased overtime pay, a ridiculous retirement pension or anything else. Yet that’s how a lot of workers felt. It sickened me and I disliked working there, not because of the work but because of the “looter” attitude that many people had.
Something that I have had to confront since having finished Atlas Shrugged is this: Am I a looter? I don’t mind doing a hard day’s work for money. I don’t usually complain while I do it and I try to do my best while I work. I try to be respectful of my employers and try to ensure that I earn the money they are paying. That being said, I am a lazy person. When it comes to my own work, I’ve been a slacker to this point. People congratulate me on graduating from university, as if it is some major accomplishment. Yet, I didn’t do too much work until then end, and operated far below my potential. I still found it easy to do and don’t see why people should be so quick to congratulate me. Since then, I have done work on my master’s thesis, but far less then I could have. I have tried to get financial grants when I felt that I didn’t deserve it. Ultimately, I aspire to be like the producers of the novel (albeit not as fantastical, as Rand paints them as supermen) but I feel more like a looter or a moocher, preferring to follow instead of lead. I wonder, therefore, whether recognition of being a looter is enough to alter it and become a man of production, and whether I have it within me to become greater than I am?
I will need to think more about this, as well as, read more Ayn Rand (and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, as Justin has told me to). I’m sure there will be more posts in the days to come.
(Song title - Achilles Last Stand, from Led Zeppelin's Presence ... so magical, and Achilles is greek and Atlas is greek ... I know it's a weak connection but I can't think of any good songs to link to Atlas Shrugged)
While reading this book, I think I came the closest I’ve ever come to crying while reading a book. When she described working, and the joys associated with creating and building and putting in a hard day’s work and being a producer, it made me feel a sense of admiration for the great men of the past who designed and labored to build the world around us (which is really amazing when you think about it). When she described the fall of New York, the decay of the world, and the senseless and lazy attitudes of many of the looters, I felt anger, frustration and disgust. I’ve always valued work but I’ve never really been able to put it in the terms that she did. I’ve idolized many of the most prominent men in history, men of science and industry, art and literature, men who used their skills to create new ideas, theories, structures, machines, etc. In them, I see the potential of man, when given the natural talent and an unending desire to work and to create. That idea of accomplishing something, and not just stopping, but continuing further, is at the heart of every explorer and inventor who has ever lived. These are the men who’s stories I’ve heard over my life and who exploits have driven my goals and dreams. But I’ve also known the other men of her story first hand. I shall jump into a story if I may (of course I may, this is my blog). During the summer of 2005 and 2006, I worked in a unionized truck factory in my home town. My father worked there as well, and I was eager to impress him and to show that I could do a good job. While I worked there, I thought of different ways that could potentially increase efficiency while limiting waste and making the factory a more enjoyable and profitable venture. I don’t know if they would have worked but I thought about it nonetheless. However, as my time there increased, I found it increasingly difficult to work, as well as an increasingly more depressing place to be. Since it was a unionized factory, and I worked on the assembly line with other workers, I was present for large amounts of union rhetoric, which in a general and simplified form equates to “do the minimum amount of work not to get fired, take every advantage to sit down, and bitch to the union rep about everything”. I liked doing my work. I enjoyed the feeling of going in and earning my money through manual labor. I liked learning how to do things, how to use tools, what tools were called, etc. I also didn’t like my breaks. I found they made the day go slower, and as I was on the assembly line, I wanted to get a bit ahead so that I wouldn’t be too rushed while the line was moving, so that I could do a better job. Instead, if I was ever caught working during my break by a unionized employee, I was told to stop working and sit down. They were telling me not to work. They also tried to tell me how the company owed them. Now I propose the question: what does any company owe its workers? It owes them something of value (money) for the work they put in. That’s it. It doesn’t owe any worker a job. It doesn’t owe any worker more money then it feels like paying. It shouldn’t owe the worker overtime hours, increased overtime pay, a ridiculous retirement pension or anything else. Yet that’s how a lot of workers felt. It sickened me and I disliked working there, not because of the work but because of the “looter” attitude that many people had.
Something that I have had to confront since having finished Atlas Shrugged is this: Am I a looter? I don’t mind doing a hard day’s work for money. I don’t usually complain while I do it and I try to do my best while I work. I try to be respectful of my employers and try to ensure that I earn the money they are paying. That being said, I am a lazy person. When it comes to my own work, I’ve been a slacker to this point. People congratulate me on graduating from university, as if it is some major accomplishment. Yet, I didn’t do too much work until then end, and operated far below my potential. I still found it easy to do and don’t see why people should be so quick to congratulate me. Since then, I have done work on my master’s thesis, but far less then I could have. I have tried to get financial grants when I felt that I didn’t deserve it. Ultimately, I aspire to be like the producers of the novel (albeit not as fantastical, as Rand paints them as supermen) but I feel more like a looter or a moocher, preferring to follow instead of lead. I wonder, therefore, whether recognition of being a looter is enough to alter it and become a man of production, and whether I have it within me to become greater than I am?
I will need to think more about this, as well as, read more Ayn Rand (and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, as Justin has told me to). I’m sure there will be more posts in the days to come.
(Song title - Achilles Last Stand, from Led Zeppelin's Presence ... so magical, and Achilles is greek and Atlas is greek ... I know it's a weak connection but I can't think of any good songs to link to Atlas Shrugged)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Won't Get Fooled Again
I’ve wanted to write about this for a couple weeks but I was having trouble getting started. I couldn’t think of the best way to get started until today. As I was reading the news on Yahoo, I came across an article on the front page that was talking about a new scandal sweeping through the Obama administration. Apparently, Fox news reported that Barack Obama put Dijon mustard on his hamburger, and MSNBC, which is apparently favourable to Barack, chose to edit the clip of him ordering a burger, so as to avoid showing the president asking for Dijon mustard. It seems that Fox news feels that Barack ordering Dijon mustard on a burger is evidence that he is elitist and not in touch with the American population, and also, that MSNBC is in the back pocket of Barack and the Democratic Party, covering up any situations which may spell trouble for the democrats and their new found power.
Really? Is that newsworthy? I don’t think it is. And it leaves me scratching my head and wondering what has happened to broadcast journalism (and journalism in general). It’s gotten to the point where I can’t really watch the news anymore. It’s too painful to watch. Most news reports lack any substance and don’t report on the truly important things going on in the world and in the community. They seem to follow a simple rubric of throw in a couple murders or accidents, followed by a political story, a financial story, a story about a bake sale or some charity, followed by some scare tactic about some group in the world who (I’m made to believe) wants to kill me for some random reason, followed by a shot of a squirrel on water skies. Meanwhile, the news hosts are “acting” like robots, turning serious when the need arises, and then instantly switching to charming and delightful on command. It’s disgusting. And it gets even worse with news channels. I remember when Obama was in the midst of his inauguration, and he was taking a train ride to Washington (don’t remember where from). CNN covered the entire 7-8 hour train ride. It was 7-8 hours of Obama’s train, with detailed accounts of the route, and what Obama was wearing and where he was at every second of the trip. And why did they do this? Because they have to fill 17 hours a day with news, and they spend their time focusing on the least important things, while major news events from around the world go unattended. And I don’t think for a second that there will ever be a day, where 8 hours go by, in which there isn’t something more important or more newsworthy than Barack Obama riding a train.
Ultimately, I want a return to the days of men like Edward Murrow and Martha Gellhorn. I want the news to ask the risky and tough questions of our government and of our political forces. I want to know what is happening in other places in the world, and who is fighting who, and why they are fighting. I want to understand why the economy is in shambles, and who is responsible for that, and what measures are being taken to fix the economy and reprimand those who are responsible. I want to know of situations where people are being taken advantage of and what is being done to help them and what my government and other governments are going to do about it. And I want journalists to actually do their homework and have credible sources. I read an article today about a 22 year old student who put a fake quote on Wikipedia to see if it would be picked up, only to have several papers use it without any reference to Wikipedia. Journalists have to stop being lazy and grow a pair of balls.
In all honesty, and I am deadly serious about this, I believe that Jon Stewart is one of the best journalists out there today. He is under no obligation to have any journalistic integrity, yet he consistently delivers news that is important, as well as provides insightful and critical interviews. Two examples of things that I just recently watched: 1) when he went on crossfire and ruined Tucker Carlson, and 2) when Jim Cramer (of CNBC’s Mad Money) came on the shoe and Stewart basically made him apologize for making a game out of the finances of the average person, while lying through his teeth. He’s amazing! And maybe he is in a special position to do that. Maybe because he is on a comedy network, he can be the type of journalist that the world needs because, as long as he is funny about it, he can stay on the air. Maybe people enjoy watching his show for comedy and prefer watching CNN for 8 hour train rides. I don’t know?
I guess, in the end, the news is just about entertainment. News channels couldn’t exist if they weren’t making money, which requires them to bring in an audience to bring in advertising dollars. In order to bring in the audience, I guess they have use scare tactics, celebrity voyeurism, and pandering to different interest groups. I would love to see the news become less about profit and more about honest and important journalism. But then less people would watch it and maybe it’s better to have people watching then news then not? Even if that news is of a much lower quality then it should be? Maybe the future is in blogging and other areas like that, where there is less emphasis on money making, and less need for censorship and pandering to the masses.
Anyway, I suggest watching Good Night and Good Luck (Edward Murrow is the fucking man), Frost vs Nixon, and the Daily Show (and to a lesser extent, the Colbert Report).
(Won’t Get Fooled Again by The Who, from the album Who’s Next. If you haven’t listened to this ... you need to ... right now! However, I’m fairly certain that Jesse is the only person who reads my blog at the moment, and I know he’s heard it. Hey Jesse!)
Really? Is that newsworthy? I don’t think it is. And it leaves me scratching my head and wondering what has happened to broadcast journalism (and journalism in general). It’s gotten to the point where I can’t really watch the news anymore. It’s too painful to watch. Most news reports lack any substance and don’t report on the truly important things going on in the world and in the community. They seem to follow a simple rubric of throw in a couple murders or accidents, followed by a political story, a financial story, a story about a bake sale or some charity, followed by some scare tactic about some group in the world who (I’m made to believe) wants to kill me for some random reason, followed by a shot of a squirrel on water skies. Meanwhile, the news hosts are “acting” like robots, turning serious when the need arises, and then instantly switching to charming and delightful on command. It’s disgusting. And it gets even worse with news channels. I remember when Obama was in the midst of his inauguration, and he was taking a train ride to Washington (don’t remember where from). CNN covered the entire 7-8 hour train ride. It was 7-8 hours of Obama’s train, with detailed accounts of the route, and what Obama was wearing and where he was at every second of the trip. And why did they do this? Because they have to fill 17 hours a day with news, and they spend their time focusing on the least important things, while major news events from around the world go unattended. And I don’t think for a second that there will ever be a day, where 8 hours go by, in which there isn’t something more important or more newsworthy than Barack Obama riding a train.
Ultimately, I want a return to the days of men like Edward Murrow and Martha Gellhorn. I want the news to ask the risky and tough questions of our government and of our political forces. I want to know what is happening in other places in the world, and who is fighting who, and why they are fighting. I want to understand why the economy is in shambles, and who is responsible for that, and what measures are being taken to fix the economy and reprimand those who are responsible. I want to know of situations where people are being taken advantage of and what is being done to help them and what my government and other governments are going to do about it. And I want journalists to actually do their homework and have credible sources. I read an article today about a 22 year old student who put a fake quote on Wikipedia to see if it would be picked up, only to have several papers use it without any reference to Wikipedia. Journalists have to stop being lazy and grow a pair of balls.
In all honesty, and I am deadly serious about this, I believe that Jon Stewart is one of the best journalists out there today. He is under no obligation to have any journalistic integrity, yet he consistently delivers news that is important, as well as provides insightful and critical interviews. Two examples of things that I just recently watched: 1) when he went on crossfire and ruined Tucker Carlson, and 2) when Jim Cramer (of CNBC’s Mad Money) came on the shoe and Stewart basically made him apologize for making a game out of the finances of the average person, while lying through his teeth. He’s amazing! And maybe he is in a special position to do that. Maybe because he is on a comedy network, he can be the type of journalist that the world needs because, as long as he is funny about it, he can stay on the air. Maybe people enjoy watching his show for comedy and prefer watching CNN for 8 hour train rides. I don’t know?
I guess, in the end, the news is just about entertainment. News channels couldn’t exist if they weren’t making money, which requires them to bring in an audience to bring in advertising dollars. In order to bring in the audience, I guess they have use scare tactics, celebrity voyeurism, and pandering to different interest groups. I would love to see the news become less about profit and more about honest and important journalism. But then less people would watch it and maybe it’s better to have people watching then news then not? Even if that news is of a much lower quality then it should be? Maybe the future is in blogging and other areas like that, where there is less emphasis on money making, and less need for censorship and pandering to the masses.
Anyway, I suggest watching Good Night and Good Luck (Edward Murrow is the fucking man), Frost vs Nixon, and the Daily Show (and to a lesser extent, the Colbert Report).
(Won’t Get Fooled Again by The Who, from the album Who’s Next. If you haven’t listened to this ... you need to ... right now! However, I’m fairly certain that Jesse is the only person who reads my blog at the moment, and I know he’s heard it. Hey Jesse!)
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