I know I’ve only written twice in the last two months and I’m sorry for that. I have a lot of things that I want to talk about and I’m sure I’ll get to it all in time. I guess the problem is that this blog is a generalized outlet for anything that I want to discuss, and as I am always thinking about something, I could probably write everyday and always cover something in a new way. I’ve also got adult onset ADD (if it doesn’t exist yet, then I am creating it now) which means that I am always jumping from one idea to another. I am at that stage of life where I am finally beginning to establish a base set of absolute beliefs that I’m hoping won’t change. Using absolute may be wrong in this case, as I am always open to changing my view on anything should new evidence or ideas emerge. That being said, I need to start developing a set of beliefs that don’t change every time I talk to someone and that can stand up to discussion and disagreement. For most of my life, I’ve been prone to agreeing with whatever people said and not questioning them or their beliefs despite my own personal feelings about it. I believed that to do so would cause an argument and turn us into enemies. I’ve now come to realize that peaceful disagreement exists and that I am perfectly capable of it. So yeah, to make a long story short, I have lots of ideas and I’m slow to put the fingers to the keys.
Two things are kind of influencing my rant for today. The first thing is that I just got back from a trip to Vancouver, where I went to a cousin’s wedding and was able to meet up with my old roommates and friends. The second is that two of my roommates are moving out at the end of August to find their own place (they’re a couple ... a couple of jokers ... hahahah ... I’m sorry, I know it wasn’t funny but I couldn’t resist). These two events, while seemingly unrelated, both lead to this one idea that I’ve been thinking about: the idea of changing friendships and the aspect of being alone in life (at least at this point).
The first point really came into focus when I went back to visit my friends out west. It was interesting because, at least with my roommates, we had been a big part of each others’ social circle while I was there. I used to spend several hours each day hanging out and talking with my roommates. When I went back out there to visit, I had a great time with them and it was awesome to catch up. I also realized that things had changed and that we’d all moved off into some different directions. It wasn’t major or anything but things had certainly changed and I became really aware of it for the first time. We all had new interests and goals, new plans for the future, some new people in our lives. It made me think about friendship and friends, and how it is an ever changing relationship. Think back five years and think of the people who you hung out with and were closest with. Where are they now? Odds are a good proportion of them are not as a major a factor in your life as they once were. While they are still “friends” and you are still probably on good terms with them, the relationship has definitely changed and you are probably not as close as you used to be. That being said, you probably have new people in your life, who are great and are exactly what you need. I guess that is just a part of life (especially at this stage in our young lives). It’s something that has never sat entirely well with me. I truly dislike when relationships change and become less important. I hate the awkwardness of talking to people who you were once really close with and who you now have nothing in common with. It’s frustrating and a little saddening. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve kept some close friends over the years (and probably will continue to).
The second point I realized was that, at this point at least, I’m kind of alone. I have no real constant person in my life that I can count on to remain there for very long. I got thinking this after getting back from Vancouver when I found that my roommates were going to be moving out. It definitely sucks because they are super cool people (first class all the way). At the same time, I completely understand it and fully support it. I also know that I will be seeing them often and things won’t change too much (maybe a little more space in the fridge and an upgrade in bedroom). But it got me thinking about being alone. My roommates are a couple that have been dating for quite some time and as such they’re probably going to be together forever (hopefully ... they’re so good together). Their lives are intertwined at this point and they can expect to be in each others’ lives for a long time. They can make future decisions together and anticipate that they will always have the other with them. I can’t do that. I don’t have anyone that I can always count on to be by my side. I mean, I can always count on people talking to me through email and facebook (and I am absolutely grateful for that to all of you) but I am fairly certain that in a year and a half (hopefully sooner) I’ll be hitting the road and moving someplace else and it will most likely just be me going. I know that there is a freedom to this that I should love and sometimes I do. I love the fact that if I so chose, I could go anywhere I wanted (assuming I have the money) and not have to worry about accommodating someone else. I am free to follow whatever dreams I can come up with and do pretty much as I please (within the boundaries of the law). That being said, being alone also sucks. Knowing that I can’t count on anyone to be by my side and that I’ll have to eventually say goodbye and go a separate way does suck and it is sad. Not ball my eyes out and cry to the heavens sad but still shittily sad. But I guess that is life. If you want to explore and travel and live in new places, you have to be prepared to do it alone (at least for a while).
I’m not sure what I was hoping to get out of this or achieve. I guess in the end, I love my friends. Those people who have shaped who I am. And while I wish that we could all travel together, I just have to make peace with everyone having their own life and have fun in my own little journey, and hope that our paths will cross again and that the interweb can keep the connections alive.
(Carry on my wayward son by Kansas from Leftoverture ... it just seemed fitting. Ramble On by Led Zeppelin would have also worked but I don’t want to overuse Led Zeppelin songs for titles).
Sunday, July 5, 2009
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