Berkeley and Galactica

In the past, I’ve talked about different relationships in this blog. I’ve discussed friendships and beyond. One area that I haven’t really covered are the relationships that we have with inanimate objects, the same inanimate objects that we deal with everyday. Now I’ve been meaning for some time to write a post on machines and technology, and the growing sense of beauty that I find in them. And I will do this at some point. But for now, I want to talk about two different objects in my life, that I have depended on for so long, and that have been quite loyal, if loyal can be applied to an inanimate object. They are Berkeley and Galactica.

Berkeley is my school bag. It is made by a company called Jack Wolfskin, which used to be in Canada, but has, since my purchase, left North America and isolated itself in Europe and Asia. I’m not sure why they did, and it’s a pain that you can’t get their stuff shipped to Canada. But that’s not really relevant. Berkeley is a black school bag that has two large back pockets, and two small front pockets. It has a paw print on the front of the bag, along with the name Berkeley (as is the custom for Jack Wolfskin, to name their bags). I’ve had Berkeley since I was in grade 7 or 8. It has been with me through four separate levels of education (Elementary school, High school, Undergraduate, Masters), and I hope it will be there for many years to come. I love this bag. With the exception of a broken zipper, that I just got fixed at a tailor’s shop, this bag has been perfect. It has met every need that could possibly be expected from a bag, and has stood up to some many different forms of punishment. It was, at one point, run over by a car. Sure, it has a few tears, and one of the pockets has a hole in it, so that stuff put in one will sometime flow to the other. It’s traveled with me all over the world, and has seen me through the good times and the bad. Now you may question the value of a bag in a person’s life but, let me tell you, when the shit is hitting the fan and life generally sucks, it’s nice to have a reliable bag that you can put your stuff in to. I was faced with a dilemma with the broken zipper: do I fix it or get a new bag? I thought it over for a while and looked at different methods to get a new Berkeley shipped from Europe. In the end though, I decided to see if it was possible to get fixed. I brought it in to the tailor and asked if they could fix the zipper. She looked the bag over, and said that she could but that it might be a better idea to just get a new bag, as Berkeley had some tears and was getting on in years. I decided to stick with Berkeley though, because at the end of the day, you have to reward quality and loyalty in kind. I intend to keep using Berkeley until he’s nothing but a pile of fabric.

Galactica is my 7 year old HP Pavilion a220n computer. I got her when I first started school out at SFU. She was the first thing I picked up in BC. She was identical to the computer my dad had bought a few months prior, and I knew that she would be a good machine. What I didn’t realize when I got Galactica, was what I would learn from her. Now before I continue, I have to quickly discuss the name. I named her Galactica shortly after I first started watching the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica series. My roommate at the time got a new computer, and I was running a much older and slower model, so I named mine Galactica and he named his Pegasus (after the last two remaining battlestars in the fleet). The names became more appropriate in time, as my roommates computer eventually broke and had a series of problems, while Galactica, the ever faithful machine that she is, kept on running. Galactica has been a fairly faithful machine, in that she usually doesn’t break too much, and when she does, she gives me signs on how to fix her. For example, the other day, she wouldn’t start up properly. She was turning on, and fans were running, but the display wouldn’t work and she wouldn’t boot up. So I sat there and fiddled around with it, and after a while, I noticed a slight beeping sound. It was very faint, and took some quiet and patient sitting to pick up. Looking it up online, I found that the cause was a loose stick of ram, which I checked and fixed, and she started up like new. With Galactica, I’ve learned essentially all the computer repair and mechanical skills that I know. I’ve taker her apart so many times, and fiddled with everything from graphics cards and ram to replacing the power supply and adding in a new hard drive. I’ve fiddled with software, hardware, viruses, etc. From Galactica, I’ve gained the beginnings of an appreciation and understanding for machines and what they do, as well as a desire to learn more about them. I’ve also developed that overprotectiveness that comes to mechanics when dealing with their machines. I don’t intend on ever bringing Galactica into a repair shop again (once there was a corrupt file when I was much younger and naive, so I took her to staples where they fixed her ... not doing that again). I don’t intend on letting anyone else try and fix her either. She’s mine. And she’s unique. I know that sounds a little weird perhaps but she is. Like I said before, my dad has the same computer, and I use whenever I go home, and it’s different. True, I’ve upgraded Galactica and added new stuff in. But it was never the same as Galactica. It’s hard to explain but it always seemed slightly cold and foreign. I always knew, when I used it, that it wasn’t my computer. It’s kind of a hard feeling to capture, but Galactica has her own personality, that I am in sync with. I can tell when she’s changing, getting slower or louder. I can tell when something isn’t right. I’m also more content to use her than any other computer. The best comparison I can make is that me and Galactica are like Kaylee and Serenity from the show Firefly. I just feel a connection with her. It’s strange I know. But it’s been a fruitful and agreeable relationship .

This is probably the first post I’ve ever written using Galactica. As I’ve written, I’ve been sitting two feet away from a freshly repaired Berkeley. And it makes me happy, to have this newly found and growing gratitude for these objects. In a time when it’s so easy to just toss out a bag or computer and get a newer sleeker one, it’s nice to have ones that last, at least for a while. Ones that can stand with you through the ever changing world, providing some small amount of stability, comfort and dependability.

A graduate student's apology

I am a graduate student. I am doing a masters degree. I have ambitions to continue on and get a PhD, and the potentially do a post-doc, and hopefully, if I can find the right skills along the way, become a professor of biology. I have chosen this road, knowing very well that it will be hard, and not terribly glamorous. I chose this road because it is my dream. It is the one constant thing that I have wanted to do since I was a youngster. I recognize that I may not drastically change the world, or save a life, or be recognized as meaningful and important by the masses of humanity. But you know what? I don’t care. If I can find out one new thing about nature or life or anything, then my life will have been worth it. I’ll have been truly creative, and will have stood alone in knowing something that no one else has ever known, if only for a brief moment. So to all you condescending, asshole, pricks out there, who feel the need to lecture me and advise me on my future and how I should make something out of myself and get a job ... go fuck yourselves!

Seriously, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of people asking me when I’m going to get a real job, or when am I ever going to be done school. I’m tired of people patting me on the back for all my progress with one hand, and wagging there finger at me because I don’t have a firmly thought out career path. I’m also tired of those graduate students who bitch about grad school because its hard and boring and they don’t have a good supervisor and how they should have just gone and got a job. Seriously, why are there so many haters out there?

I make approximately $13000 a year being in grad school, which I think means I qualify as poor. But I couldn’t be happier. If money wasn’t an option, I would be doing exactly what I’m doing now (with maybe a few more trips to warm places ... winter is a bitch). I love what I am doing. I love the freedom of research, and the excitement of discovery. I love learning about how everything works, and how things have evolved over time. I love being a grad student, and I love research and science. And I shouldn’t have to defend myself, and I shouldn’t have to apologize for what I am doing, and I shouldn’t be made to feel inferior or like a failure because of it. I have a chosen to go after my dreams and live the best life I can think of, and shame on anyone who tries to ruin that. Yeah, maybe I don’t make a lot of money. And maybe my job isn’t easily associated with glamor and respectability like some other jobs. But you know what? I love it. I love every day of it. And I will not apologize for that!

(P.S. I think I’m going to get away from using the song titles as titles for the posts. Maybe not for all the posts but at least for some.)

Dream Police

So, the Copenhagen climate summit is over and done with, and it would appear that not too much was achieved with it. Now, show of hands, who actually thought anything would be achieved with it? Anybody?

I would like to be an optimist. I would like to get behind things like the climate summit, and join the facebook group, and go to the rallies, and generally be a part of the team. I just don’t really see the point. At the end of the day, regardless of whatever they decide, who’s going to enforce it?

The Kyoto protocol was hailed as this breakthrough achievement that would help put an end to climate change and save the world. Problem is, there was no punishment for countries that agreed to it and then didn’t follow through. So, how was it any different for the Copenhagen summit? Seriously, can someone explain to me how it was different? I want to believe that it was, and that somehow, a world army had been created to enforce whatever was decided at the Copenhagen summit. I just don’t think that happened.

What has to be understood is that global treaties are kind of useless if there is no outside force to back them up. If there was a commitment from every country at the summit to create a joint military force that would be under the control of some group that would be allowed to enforce the Copenhagen treaty, then maybe things would work out. But I don’t think that will happen.

Furthermore, it’s kind of hard to get a bunch of countries to agree on one thing, when many of the leaders may not be allowed to commit to anything without support from governing bodies at home. For example, Obama went to the summit, and I’m sure he would have liked to create some grand agreement that would have the world using 100% solar power by 2020. But he couldn’t do that, because then he would have to go back home and watch as Congress or the Senate got in the fucking way, and forced so many concessions into it that it really wouldn’t matter anymore.

A lot of people are angry at Stephen Harper for not showing too much commitment to the summit, and showing up late, and not really taking an active interest in it. First off, who didn’t see that coming? Honestly, the man’s environmental policy is practically non-existent and full of so many buzz words and vagueness that it really doesn’t matter. Secondly, I’m not sure that Stephen Harper really understands science or cares for that matter. I mean come on, our science and research minister is a chiropractor who hasn’t the slightest understanding of what evolution is. That, in my opinion, is absolutely unacceptable, yet there has been very little outcry from the public. So Stephen Harper isn’t an environmentalist, but did anyone really think he was?

Now, here’s my issue with climate change. It’s big and complicated. Much more so than any environmentalist would like to admit to. The fact is, you can have ten different climate scientists, and each one will have a different model predicting a different outcome for the future. No one knows what is going to happen, and I have issues with alarmist environmentalists who rile up the public with inaccurate science or poor statistics (oh Al Gore, you sly dog you). I’m not trying to say that climate change isn’t occurring or that it isn’t somewhat human driven. It probably is. I’m just saying that the future isn’t certain, and to act on alarmist ramblings may not be the best idea.

Want to know how to avert a climate change global disaster? Invest in technology. Invest shit tons of money into natural gas, wind, hydro, and here’s a big one, SOLAR! Solar is amazing. It is the ultimate holy grail of renewable energy, and we should be working on it. But, in a surprising change from what most tree hugging pussies will tell you (Greenpeace, I’m looking at you) I also suggest heavy investment into nuclear power. Yes, I said nuclear power. It’s fairly clean and quite safe, when it is properly regulated (which it is in Canada, the United States, and many other countries in the world). If you want to “save the world” then investing into nuclear development is a huge must.

Look, I don’t want to be a dick. I understand that a lot of the protesters (and middle to upper class white university arts students who support them) are just trying to fight the good fight and do something positive in the world (and that is commendable ... I salute you ...scchhhhhwing). But if you want to do something good, go learn about other types of renewable energies, learn the facts, quit listening to Greenpeace, and point your energies toward getting the energy infrastructure in your countries changed. Or if you really care a lot, go become an engineer or a physicist or a chemist or a conservationist, and then go into politics. Because we need better people in politics then we have right now, or at least, we need people who actually understand what is going on.

P.S. I know that it’s not all arts students who are protesting. I’m just being a little bit of a dick. Protesting is actually not a bad thing ... sometimes ... depending on the issue.

P.P.S. I know this might be a little outdated but it's been sitting on my desktop for a few weeks, so I figured I should post it.

(Dream Police is a song from the 1979 album Dream Police by Cheap Trick)

New World Man

The end of the year is upon us and it is almost time to start a new year and decade. I’m quite excited by this because, I find that the end of the year is a good time to reflect on the past year and decide what changes need to be made. I know that this shouldn’t necessarily be a once a year thing (and it isn’t for me) but, I find I have a bunch of down time at the end of the year, and being at home by myself, I find that I am often in a reflective mood.

Last year, I read Yes Man, and decided to adapt a more positive attitude and try to say yes to everything that came my way. Now this didn’t pan out as well as I would have hoped but, a lot of good came from it (this blog being one). I feel that it opened me up to a lot of new things, and helped me gain some more confidence and have a little fun.

Well, I just finished Yes Man again, and it got me thinking about things. My last two posts have been somewhat self-pitying and negative. They were helpful at the time, and they were useful for realizing some things about myself. But at the end of the day, I was left with problems and not really any understanding of why they existed or what I could do about them. I was left feeling somewhat hindered by the things that I had learned, and it has made me feel kind of crummy.

In my last posts, I outlined negative things about myself, and attempted to explain why they occur. And in the last few weeks, I’ve thought a lot about those things, and the potential reasons why they occur. And I’ve come to the conclusion that it really doesn’t matter.

We are, to some degree anyway, defined by our pasts. The person we are is based on what we have done and been. Our past choices are what have brought us to the points in our lives that we are at. This is what I have spent time focusing on. But I don’t think it should be. Just because I am a product of my past does not mean that I must continue to be that same product. It’s very easy to blame the problems in our lives or ourselves on some past events, but that doesn’t necessarily help them go away. At some point, you have to recognize the problems, and decide whether you want them to continue or not. Now in some cases it may take a bit more effort to get rid of them than others. But more often than not, I think it’s simply a matter of deciding to change and then doing it.

So for the new year (and right now as well) I’ve decided to change in the following ways:

1)Stop being as shy

It always takes me a little while to get to know people and feel comfortable around people, and often times, I am very quiet at the start. So, I am going to try and be more outgoing from the start and be more confident.

2)Become more self-confident and up the self-esteem

Not sure why my self-confidence and self-esteem have been low ... but it doesn’t matter.
I’m a luscious piece of man meat, and anyone who doesn’t like me can go fuck themselves. Not saying that I’m perfect or that I don’t have things that need to be changed. But I’ll deal with those things as they come.

3)Throw out the unrealistic beliefs that I will cause people pain or that I am not worthy of relationships

Really not sure where all this came from. Fuck it. Let’s throw it.

So there we go. Those are my three changes in attitude that I would like to change for the new year. I can’t promise that it will always happen but I am going to work hard on it. Also, I want to stop saying sorry as much. I say it too often and for no particularly good reason. Guess it is a throwback to younger days. Time to stop saying it as much.

Bring on the new year, and all its wonder and glory. Some things to think about. In the following decade, there is a good chance that I will potentially get married, have a child, purchase a home, and get a real job. How crazy is that?

(New World Man ... from the Album 'Signals' ... by Rush ... Geddy Lee and Neil Peart ... fucking amazing!)

Diary of a Madman

Look at me, two blog postings in three days! I’m on fire. Well, I said that I wanted to write more, and I’m trying to hold myself to that. I have a lot to say, and it’s starting to take shape in a number of different blog entries that I would like to write in the near future (time permitting). Some of it is going to be more personal, while other entries are going to be more opinion based, while others will be musings on quite random topics. But it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want. In this small space, I can paste whatever ideas I have, and people can read them or not, and comment or not. They may change people’s ideals or minds and inspire debate and discussion ... or they may fall on deaf ears and not get read by anyone (the more likely of the two). Regardless, it is amazing that this type of thing exists, and that anyone can do it. I feel quite privileged to have the ability to freely express myself to anyone who cares to listen ... marvellous!

This posting is going to be more of a personal reflection than anything else. I feel a little wrong writing personal reflections, because I want to avoid the whole journal/dumping my problems before the world thing that happens all the time. However, I do feel that these help me put things into perspective and learn. And who knows ... maybe someone will write a comment and things will take off from there.
Two days ago, I wrote about a previous relationship that I was in, and how I was of the feeling that I shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. This was all well and good at the time, and I went to sleep feeling quite content that I had thought things through and had come to a conclusion. However, the next day, the comfort I had gained had somewhat disappeared, and I was a left with a new slew of questions, the foremost one being, why shouldn’t I be in a relationship right now? The answer, needless to say, was quite elusive. The day before, I had talked about the freedom of being single, and how I liked that freedom. But, in retrospect, I think that was a copout answer to cover up something deeper than that. And I think I know why I seem hesitant toward being in a relationship. I am afraid of causing (and to a lesser extent receiving) pain.

I don’t want to go into too much detail here (because it would take a while ... if you want to know the back story, just ask) but, at some point in my early undergrad, I became convinced that I was a cause for pain in the lives of people that I knew, and that their lives would be better without me. Now I know, it sounds ridiculous, but it’s how I felt. My self-esteem was low, and I felt like a burden on people. Over time, I was able to overcome these views and gain a bit more self-confidence. The problem is that I never entirely conquered it, and it continues to pop up at random points, most strongly in regard to relationships with girls.

During my last relationship, I really liked the girl a lot. But something wasn’t right. There was this concern in my mind the whole time. I tried to attribute it to outside factors but I couldn’t get over it. I’ve realized that my constant concern stemmed from the fact that I didn’t feel like I deserved to be in a relationship with this girl. If you can’t understand, then I can try and describe it: imagine having this feeling everyday that you just don’t deserve something or that you are not good enough for something. Imagine having the feeling that being in this relationship is going to cause your partner pain and harm, and that they would ultimately be better off without you. Now, assume that you like and care about this person to a stupidly high degree, and tell me how you would feel? Imagine trying to enjoy a relationship when you constantly feel like you’re going to negatively impact the person. It’s pretty shitty. There was even one point where I noticed a potential attraction between this girl and another guy. I immediately began to have thoughts that I should break up with her, not because I didn’t like her, but because I thought that she would be better off without me and better with him. I didn’t actually know if they liked each other or not, and I certainly couldn’t comment as to whether they would be better together or not. But deep in my neurotic mind, I couldn’t imagine that I would be able to provide anything good for this person. Pretty fucked up, right?

So here I am: single, a bit sad, and quite confused. I now recognize that I have an issue with self-esteem when in relationships. That is a good first step. The problem now is how to deal with it? I recognize that the beliefs are irrational, but the doubt and pain they bring are quite real. So how do you deal with it? What can a person do? I could just stay single but I really don’t want to do that. I’m at a loss for what to do at the moment. Furthermore, I feel a bit sad that my craziness contributed somewhat to the end of my last relationship. I think that I could have something good there, if I could just get over these crazy feelings.

I’m sorry for making this post quite personal and somewhat emotional. I do it because 1)it makes me feel a little better and 2)because it brings it out into the open, and allows for ideas and help from others. I am a believer that problems and personal ‘demons’ should not be kept quiet or in the dark but, need to be brought out into the open so you can stab their cold black hearts and cut off their heads (deal with your problems). So yeah, there we go. I don’t know what to do but, hopefully I can figure out something.

(Diary of a Madman is a song by Ozzy Osbourne, on the album Diary of a Madman. I’ve been listening to Ozzy a lot more in recent weeks. I go through phases of it. He’s really good.)

Don't Stop Believin

Well, it’s been quite a while since I last posted. Sorry about that. I’ve been busy with different things, and to be honest, I just couldn’t think of anything to write about. Fragments of thoughts and ideas came to mind but nothing complete enough to warrant writing an entry. I’m not sure if the following entry or entries will be entirely complete or if they will be fragmented ideas that need further nurturing and expansion. As usual, I can only hope that the few readers I have can bear with it, and offer constructive criticism or comments, and that perhaps, this will make you think, if only a little bit.

I started this blog to talk about things I had said yes to, as well as means to organize my thoughts and deal with problems I was facing. Around the start of November, I entered into a relationship with a most delightful girl. It was something that had been sort of building for a few months before hand, and it was a decision that I was somewhat hesitant about because of some other issues. Despite these issues, I chose to seize the day and say yes. This relationship ended a couple days ago, and I have been thinking about it quite a bit over the last few days. I have some thoughts on it, and I feel it necessary to share them here.

Firstly, I want to talk about the girl. She is friggin awesome. You could look for a thousand years in a thousand different places and not find many better than her. She’s smart, good looking and a hoot to hang out with. The best part about her though is her mind and her inquisitive nature. I absolutely love talking to this girl. Every time I do, I come away changed in some small way. Whether it’s through challenging my ideas or explaining something entirely foreign to me, she makes me think and she makes me grow. Plus she’s always so cheery, and she always has something nice to say. She’s a beam of sunshine, if ever a person could be called one.

Now that I’ve established that the girl is awesome, I guess the question is: what went wrong or why did I have doubts? Well, that can be summed up by the following: it moved too quickly. Ever eager to enter into a relationship, I said yes, when I should have thought about it more. If I’d taken a bit more time and really thought about it, I would have realized that a relationship was not right for this point in time, and that it seemed a bit too forced. I was perfectly happy with being good friends and spending the odd time together talking. Hell, I would have been happier with spending a bit more time together, and really getting to know her well. I didn’t need a relationship at that point, which is kind of where all my doubt came from. It’s not that I didn’t need a relationship specifically from her but that I doubt whether I need one at all at the moment. In earlier posts, I’ve talked about my desire for a relationship, and how girls are awesome, and all the rest. But, in the last few months, I’ve really come to appreciate being single to a degree. There is a freedom to it that is quite enjoyable. And so, my main doubt, the one thing that clogged up my mind, was whether I should even be in a relationship. And I don’t think I should have been.

Now, I want to make it perfectly clear that this does not mean that I should not have eventually been in a relationship with this girl, nor do I want to imply that a relationship in the future with this girl is out of the question or wrong ...that is a question for another time, and one that I cannot answer at the moment (as I can’t predict the future despite my best attempts). If a time comes when we are more aligned with each other, and there seems to be a need or desire for a relationship, then I would not be opposed, and would welcome it with open arms (as I’ve said, she’s friggin awesome). But for the time being, and for the immediate future anyway, it isn’t right. She’s got her road and I have mine. But I will work super hard to ensure that we can be good friends, and then great friends, and then even, dare I say, BFFs (oh, I dared to say it!).

What have I learned from all of this? Relationships aren’t a requirement (at least for me). There are some people who spend all their time in relationships, and when one ends, the next begins. That ain’t me. I’ve spent too much of my life single, to the point where I don’t need one to feel good. That’s not to say that I won’t continue to try them and look around. But I guess I’ll be a bit more critical about them in the future. That leaves me wondering whether I should be ? Should you really weigh the pros and cons before hand, or should you jump right in and sort it out as you go? I have no idea.

In closing, I would like to say that girls are pretty and confusing. And that there is one girl out there who is friggin awesome, who I am looking forward to getting to know a lot better, without the stresses and doubts of a relationship to get in the way.

P.S. Hopefully I’ll start writing more now. I feel a need to get things out of my head. It’s too cluttered.

P.P.S. Title is Don’t Stop Believin by Journey from their 1981 album Escape. Super good song.

Iron Man

Howdy everyone,

Just a quick announcement for the day. On July 31, I signed up for the Muskoka Subaru Half Iron Man in Huntsville. It's going to be 1.9km swim, 94km bike, 21.1 km run. I'm super excited about it and also quite terrified as it will be the longest distance that I have ever tried to go in one day without a car. Also, I am limited to only 8 and half hours to do it in, so I may fail at it. I'm kind of excited by that prospect though because, usually when I do something, I'm fairly confident of succeeding. I think I'll be alright and am somewhat confident in succeeding but, there's still that chance of failure. Hopefully all goes well, and I will certainly be training like a madman for the next month and a half (it's Sept.13). Just thought I should let people know as, it is something that I've said yes to doing. Also, next Sunday, I'm going bungee jumping at the Great Canadian Bungee Jumping place. 200 feet above a man made lake (and apparently, you dunk at the end of the jump). Should be good times!

(Iron Man by Black Sabbath, from the album Paranoid. I will be listening to this quite a bit over the next month and a half.)